One of the toughest hurdles to get through at the beginning of your planning process is finalizing your guest list. It can be a source of disagreement between you and your fiancé, your parents and his parents. Nevertheless, it must be addressed before you can find a location for your wedding.
Trust me on this. We cannot stress the importance of completing your guest list enough. Your guest list affects everything from the location selection to the budget distribution.
You must FINALIZE the list before looking at locations. This includes your parents and your future in laws. Make sure they give you addresses the same time that they give you names. Otherwise, as they go through their address book, they might find other people to add.
Once the list is complete, you should send it to everyone for a final proof read before it goes to the calligrapher. Remember to format correctly which means no abbreviations. Words like Street, Boulevard and Apartment should be written out. That also applies to City and State. It should read "New York, New York", not NY, NY.
When couples ask me for advice on whom to invite, we always recommend they surround themselves with the people they love. Social obligations are, unfortunately, a necessary evil. However, there are ways to keep your list from becoming unmanageable.
Work Associates: If you or your fiancé work in a small office, it's an all or nothing scenario. You cannot invite three of your coworkers and leave the other two people off the list. It creates an uncomfortable working environment and eventually leads to the clique mentality, which is a bit sophomoric. Remember high school? Well, you're getting married which means you should make mature choices. Exception to the rule: if you work with your best friend, then it's okay to invite only that person from your office.
And Guest: If you have single friends who are not dating anyone seriously (we use the six month rule), then it's perfectly okay to invite them solo. At a recent wedding we planned, the bride invited everyone with a guest because there were very few single people and she knew it would make them more comfortable. She remembered how she felt as one of the only single people at so many functions. If you can afford it, do it..
Some friends might ask if they can bring a date. We suggest being honest. Tell them you have a limited budget and had to cut people you've known for years. Most people understand. There have been a few occasions where individuals showed up with a guest anyway. In that case, smile and add a chair. You don't want to make a scene at your wedding and hopefully, you can adopt a “more is merrier” attitude. Don't let it ruin your day.
SIDE NOTE: If you are planning a bouquet toss, take into consideration how many singles guests are attending. If it's less than four, reconsider. It's embarrassing for a few single women to stand in the center of a room full of couples. Ditto for the garter toss.
Distant Relatives: This can get tricky because it becomes a chain reaction. If you invite Aunt Anita, you have to invite Uncle Joe, right? Not necessarily. If no one in the family has spoken to Uncle Joe in years, but you see Aunt Anita every Thanksgiving, then it's perfectly okay to be selective.
Here's an example of creative thinking. At a traditional Syrian Jewish wedding, there can be thousands of guests. The groom told his parents they could only invite the oldest first cousins and ended up with a guest list which was cut from 600 to 250.
Children: Think carefully about inviting young children to your wedding. While it's really cute to have the flower girls and ring bearers walking down the aisle, it means their parents, your guests, will spend their time taking care of the little ones instead of relaxing, dancing and socializing.
If you feel strongly about including children at your wedding, consider creating a Fun Zone for them in a different room and hire some babysitters to keep them entertained so your friends can enjoy themselves too. Remember, it's all or nothing. Don't invite one family with children unless you're prepared to invite everyone with children.
Parents Payback: Your parents (or his) may use your wedding as an opportunity to get a little payback. After all, they've been going to weddings and giving presents for years. More than likely, you will never make as much money from the gift as you spend on the guest. So never invite someone because you think of it as payback.
If they have been invited to the wedding of their friends’ children, they may feel they need to reciprocate. This can be particularly challenging when your parents are paying for the wedding. Remember, in planning a wedding and in life, pick your battles and compromise when possible. If they want to invite 20 extra people, meet them in the middle and tell them that ten would be okay.
If all else fails and you have to give in to their list, just be grateful that your parents are excited and enthusiastic about your wedding. Imagine how you would feel if they disapproved or if they were too embarrassed by your choice to invite friends? Trust me. It's happened. You're better off compromising on the guest list if you have room and they're willing to pay for the extra people.
